So Tuesday I have a hospital appointment, and honestly i'm really anxious.
Not about what's wrong with me, more i'm scared they'll sit me down and tell me there's nothing wrong and I just have to suck it up and go home and shut up about it.
My biggest fear is i'll go in and the doctor will look at me and tell me they couldn't find anything so they're not going to run any more tests. I just.. I couldn't deal with that.
There IS something wrong with me. People don't just swell up for no reason, sudden unexplained weight gain SHOULD be linked to something more than just "eating too much pie".
But I sit here with a dread feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me it's just yet another "we don't know and diagnosis is too expensive so fuck you" situations. Like the chest pains I get, or my migraines, just something I have to learn to live with and accept as "the new me".
Well I don't like this "new me". I'm fat and ugly and disgusting. I can't wear any nice clothes, I can't even wear decent shoes because my feet are so swollen. My joints hurt, I can barely recognise my face in the mirror and the rings on my fingers are hurting because they're digging in and I can't get them off.
I don't want to have to have my wedding ring cut off my finger, that's just horrible.
And to add insult to injury, i'm no longer speaking to my father. He was supposed to take me to the hospital so I wouldn't have to catch a bus on my own, so i'd have some company in the waiting room, so i'd have some damn moral support when i inevitably came out of the doctor's office in floods of tears.
But he couldn't give me that, couldn't be arsed clearly. He rang me last week to weasle his way out of the obligation, as he's been doing since the day I asked him.
I don't ask for much from my parents, I never have, so me asking him to take me to the hospital wasn't exactly an idle request. I asked because I genuinely needed that support. I didn't just need a lift, I needed company.
But he decided well in advance that he would only take the time off if my husband was still unemployed, because clearly the only reason I wanted him to come over was to babysit huh? even though I told him multiple times I didn't just want him to look after the kids for me and would have preferred he hung around at the hospital as long as he could so I didn't have to be alone.
But no, HE decided so screw me.
Husbands still unemployed so instead of calling me and asking me "what is the plan for the hospital? do you want me to come over still?" he just flat out told me "you don't need me, see ya."
Suffice to say, I was pretty upset. I'm a very meek person, frustratingly so and I have trouble speaking my mind in the heat of the moment. So after he hung up, I just burst into tears. Feeling betrayed and let down and seriously unconsidered.
He could have made it an ok day for me. Could have relieved me of a bit of anxiety by agreeing to be there to hold my hand while husband looked after the kids, or taken the kids so husband could come hold my hand. But instead he decided it was ok to force me to get to the hospital on my own and get home on my own.
I can't get a taxi because husband is UNEMPLOYED, how can I possibly justify the £18 fare?
And besides, why would I want to sit in a cab with a stranger driving me, only to sit on my own waiting for my appointment, then be driven home again by a stranger asking annoying questions about why i'm crying?
How is that any different to catching the sodding bus?
I was counting on my father, and he let me down. again, as usual because i'm simply not a priority to him. Me being ill is an inconvenience, and he'd sooner have nothing to do with me.
Well i texted him to call him on his selfishness, and he turned nasty fast. Told me he didn't want to visit me and my family because my home was "squalor" and then went on to call my husband many unpleasent things. The husband I THOUGHT my father always had liked.
Then he sent me another message telling me to grow up (his standard response when I call him on his bullshit and he doesn't get his way. It's ME being immature, not him being a selfish prick)
I've had to actually block his number to stop him sending me abusive texts.
Which is hardly the way I wanted to spend a stressful week of hospital appointments.
What really is the icing on the cake though, is the fact he rang me right after he got back from his third trip to visit his girlfriend's family in as many months.
See, SHE needed his moral support, so he took several days off to go to Ireland for her.
Then he rings me to cancel taking me to the hospital?
What am I supposed to think? Clearly he can't take me because he used his holiday time taking HER back to ireland for the third time, because her family stuff is more important than me. She's more important, always has been. I'm sure he could have done both, but he made a choice to choose and he chose her. Then got nasty when I questioned that decision and dared to be hurt by it. (and don't think for a minute I haven't been anything but gracious to that woman. I have defended her time and time again from my mother's bitterness, from my sister's hate. I've invited her endlessly to family functions, tried my best to include her in the family and been rebuffed at every single attempt. I'm not a jealous sort and I would have welcomed her into the family, I would have been a loving and doting step daughter but I just wasn't good enough for her. So my hurt here, isn't out of jealousy for her and the attention my father gives her, I mean they're screwing, of course he's going to give her attention, but more that he let me down to use up time for her again. After a while it gets a bit old being satisfied with tiny scraps of attention when your parent has nothing better to do. I'm only important you see, when there's not a more interesting option for use of his time. )
Screw me and screw me being ill right? He'd rather alienate me completely than inconvenience himself.
How dare I expect any sort of support from my father. I'm not worthy of his love right? Or so he tells me in his filthy text messages. Which is precisely why he's now blocked from my mobile phone and why i'm having to have husband screen my landline phonecalls.
It's ridiculous really.
But i'm feeling really isolated, really alone right now and very apprehensive about this whole hospital thing. I don't want to go, because i know they'll just give me the usual NHS runaround. I don't have the strength physically or emotionally to fight the NHS, I just can't do it.
I've been beaten down too many times and I don't really want to get back up. I'm done with it all. I'm done with being ignored by everyone, my feelings being belittled (my mother always tells me off for getting upset over things, yet she gets upset because of something her husband did in a fucking DREAM and i'm supposed to be supportive. See her imagined slights are more important than my real ones, because my feelings are inconvenient and I shouldn't have them. ) and feeling like nobody actually loves me or gives a single shit about me.
My husband has completely ignored me all day, becuase my feelings make him uncomfortable you see. And that's oh too hard to deal with so he'd sooner leave me to mope and feel more shit and even more like nobody loves me.
Nice.. real nice huh?
I'm half tempted to just walk out of this house and not come back.