Hospital appointment didn't go well. I was worried right from the start that i'd sit down and get told "there's nothing wrong with you, go away." which is pretty much exactly what DID happen.
My kidney function improved a bit so is now out of the "danger zone", so it's basically "see ya".
Still no answers, all the countless bloods came back within normal range. No clue what's causing the swelling, doctor told me to "go back to my gp" which means right back to square one, right back to the start.
It took 6 months of stress and tears to reach this point, I honestly don't have the strength to go through all that again. I can't do it, particularly as there's that massive chance they'll not find anything no matter how much blood they take, how many tests they run.
I'm still swollen, i'm disgusting and i'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with my current appearance. I'm upset that there were no answers because answers would have given us a path forward, a light at the end of the tunnel, a hope of being able to be WELL again. Without that, i'm stuck right where I am with no hope, no chance of magically being myself again. And I don't think I can ever come to terms with this body and be confident or content with it.
I hate how I look, I think i'm hideous. I can't look in a mirror without wanting to cry. I have to pick my clothing on the "does it cover all this up" principle instead of being able to look nice.
I miss being able to look nice.
None of my clothes fit me, in only a few months i've ballooned in weight and it's absolutely devastating.
I'm only 5 foot 2 and i'm well over 70kg now, that's absolutely horrendous. Back when I met my husband? I was only 52kg.
I'm not saying I want to be back to that skinny, but around 58 was a comfortable decent weight for me. After three kids I was hovering at 62kg which I could cope with, it was a little heavier than perhaps i'd have liked but I could look at myself and think I looked ok. I could dress up and think I looked nice.
But here I am with no explanation for why this has happened, why i'm suddenly this awful balloon woman.
I just want to be able to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin again, and is that really so much to ask?
The doctors can't help me because they have no clue. And people around me are useless at making me feel any better.
My mother rang me earlier to find out how my appointment went, then belittled my upset (as usual) by telling me it "could be worse". Completely ignoring that THIS, THIS was my worst fear. At least if they'd found something they could have DONE SOMETHING.
She doesn't get that, she just can't get that through her stupid skull.
She then told me I should diet.
Yes... exactly the thing to tell someone suffering from body dysmorphia. Imply they're just a fat bitch who ate too much and tell them to diet. Real fucking sensitive right there huh?
Pretty typical for my mother. She has the empathy of a brick. I think bricks have more empathy in fact, because my mother seems to have a marvelous knack for finding exactly the most dickish and nasty thing to say when someone's upset. It's never any sympathy, any support, it's always "could be worse. Have you considered dieting? Oh this diet's really good. Well you know, you could stop eating that... " and so on.
Further reinforcing this idea that this is all MY fault, all something I did to myself and making me well aware that I am hideous. Because you know, I couldn't see that already myself.
I would love to be able to feel genuinely beautiful, but nobody ever bothers to make me feel good about myself. It's always had to come from ME, me to me. But as long as I could put a pretty dress on, look in the mirror and think "yeah, that's pretty good" it was ok. But now I can't do that, nothing I wear looks anything short of awful and what do you do when you can't even tell YOURSELF "You don't look too bad."
I can't even lie to myself, because I see right through my own crap. I know i'm ugly right now, I know I look absolutely terrible and I wish I could fix it, but I can't. Dieting isn't going to help fluid retention, diuretics didn't help. Nothing helps.
I feel trapped in a body I hate and I can't stand it.