I hate christmas.
there's a lot of reasons I find this time of year difficult, reasons I see no point going into. Suffice to say, December is a very difficult time of year for me and while having kids has somewhat dulled the sting, the hurt is still there. And it's never gonna go away.
But i'm not really sure if i'm somehow projecting an aura of negativity that's tainting everything I touch or if the universe just feels like rubbing salt in my wounds, but as the weeks draw closer to the dreaded christmas, things just keep going wrong.
I got banned from one of my doll collecting groups for no real good reason other than the moderator is a two faced bitch. And that hurt bad enough.
but then a lot of other things started to screw up, and today I got banned from a long term rp for speaking my mind about being steamrolled.
Everything I try to involve myself in is rejecting me, and I have to believe that it's all me. I mean, the fact that so many things have gone wrong suggests it's got to be ME that's the problem.
Of course, that just leads to a whole big wallowing cesspool of self loathing. Because I needed to hate myself more didn't I?
I wish I could be someone else, someone people actually liked. Someone people stood up for, listened to, loved. But i'm not and I never will be.
And that... that is why even I can't stand me. And if I can't stand my own company, why should anyone else?